Because it’s International Women’s Day, I thought it timely to draw on my unhappy experience to offer some practical advice to any of you ladies out there who are considering joining a dating site. It’s a list of things you might want to avoid. So here goes.
I don’t want to read on your profile that you’re very comfortable in your own skin or that you’re completely happy with your life at the moment, thank you. If that’s the case, why the fuck are you on a dating site looking for a man to complicate things?
Nor do I want to read that you’re looking for someone with whom you want to share your idyllic life. What about the poor shmuck’s life? Doesn’t that count? You probably already have a poodle. You don’t need another one.
Speaking of poodles, I don’t want to see photos of your dog/cat/gerbil/iguana. It’s a dating site, hen, not fucking Crufts. By the way, your pet is an animal, not a human being. If you think otherwise, you really do need to seek psychiatric help, missus.
While we’re on the subject of photos, I don’t want to see endless shots of your head that have obviously been cropped from the chin down in order not to reveal your bull neck and the rest of your obese body. I know what you’re thinking: once he’s mesmerised by my magnetic personality, he’ll hardly notice that I’m slightly (sic!) overweight. Sorry, hen, it disnae work that way.
Well, I hope the foregoing pointers are of some help, ladies. As for me, I’m searching for a partner who looks like Britney Spears, but who is also intelligent, simply loves my writing dahlink, cooks, cleans and buttons it. Not a lot to ask for, is it?
Happy International Women’s Day!